a.dawn. (stillwaiting21) wrote,

what a dreary day its been today. everything just seemed off. i went to work in a good mood and actually made it on time again. ive been in a good mood and determined at work lately because im actually kicking butt with my stats and that is awesome considering the incentives going on right now.. but my coworker who is also my friend that i sit by everyday seems to either be really sad or irritated lately so it kind of sucks because its not like before where we would just be super hyper and joking and catching up on eachothers personal lives and stuff so i dont really have anyone to talk to when i want to stay sane between my callers.. so i just focus on taking call after call to make the day go by faster..

so .. BIG news...

my birthfather and birthsister have somehow gotten a hold of my adopted family's phone number and have been calling and such for close to 8 months .. my adopted parents have been taking the time to communicate back with them as well because they kept saying that sooner or later i would want to to get involved with these people again.. but i just was not ready ya know? too many people i have trusted ruined things and i just felt too spent to put energy into getting myself out there again.. well a few days ago i received a letter from my birthfather that my parents had forwarded to me .. it was a sweet and short letter and attached to it was a photo of me in kindergarten and a recent picture of my only full birthsibling nadia .. shes 18 now.. heres what the letter said  (now remember that hes arabic and english is actually his third language):

amina... my very deand belond baby..

dont you ever think that an oriental father tends to be bad with his children ever. please take this idea out of your head. i count on your intelligence and fair logic in this matter. i have no other means. be open minded and ask yourself now. why, after all the circumstances that kept you away from me for so long.. yes,why i am so hurt and worried about you and dying to hug you and take care of you why? my only goal in this is  to give you the love you need and make sure you will be well for ever...

your dad.
mustafa sakar
may 27th,2009


so ya .. as soon as i finished reading the letter, for some reason i just burst into tears. here i was holding a letter from my actual birthfather. the man that was my daddy until i wasa 6 and then vanished. the man i loathed for so many reasons as a result of all of my mothers lies and made up and/or exaggerated stories. and the only reason im saying that i believe that she was a liar is because i then got up the courage to call my older birth half sister zeina who now lives in australia. it was such a good conversation. she is married to a librarian and has 3 young children. she seems to be really settled and has a good head on her shoulders.she is now 26. it was funny because once we got over the awkwardness of not having had any contact in a gazillion years, our conversation was such an easy one to have. she has a really open relaxed warm personality. my adopted parents even told me that they think our voices and conversational manners are alot alike, which i can kind of believe because she seems like the kind of person i would be really good friends with. we have the same sense of humour and everything its kinda creepy. ha.  but she answered so many of my questions and discussed my memories with me. i learned so much. i really want to write it all down here but im still so overwhelmed by it all and just cant get myself to digest that information just yet. but it was really good. but im not in any shape or form ready to talk to my father yet. part of me thinks i'll never be.

so i decided that not having friends sucks. i was fine with it at first but its been 8 months now and i just miss having a social life so bad! .. its really hard to make friends out in vancouver. people seem to be way more stuck up then back in alberta.. dont get me wrong, my boyfriend and i have another couple that were freinds with but they live in another town so we usually jsut see them on weekends. its always alot of un .. jsut last weekend we went for a huge long walk around this park then went back to their place for a little bbq. but i miss having this close group of friends where i can just call up whenever to go to a movie with or go to the beach or even just a cup of coffee for a couple of hours...so i applied to volunteer for an organization that helps battered women get back on their feet. i'll be working in the retail end of things. so theres 2 shops in vancouver that are second hand shops and everybody that works there is a volunteer. all the proceeds go to the organization. it helps pay for cousellors, social workers, food and anything that might help these women. we also provide vouchers for these actual women so that they can come 'shop' for new clothes and home stuff. the manager relayed to me that most women that decided to leave a violent relationship leave with only the clothes on their backs and no money and nowhere to go. and this organization seeks these women out and helps them start all over again. i met a few women already and they seem very sweet, and some, quite eccentric.. therefore i have no doubt in my mind i will really enjoy my experience there. to be able to be out there and make a little bit of a difference. and it will be nice to not constantly be sitting at home playing animal crossing ! ha.

so my boyfriend surprised me with tickets to a death cab for cutie concert in july. i am so stoked. i have never ever been to an actual concert and what better way to start than going to your favorite band? soooooo excited. so excited! so thats something to look forward too :)

so my parents are funny. they have decided to adopt one more child. eventhough they clearly stated that they wouldnt adopt anymore after cassandra, bryce and erika. they are going to be adopting one of my  other adopted brother(jesse)'s  little birth brother josh. he is a neat kid and ive met him a couple times over the years. right now josh is in a foster home with his and jesse's birthsister. this couple has had these kids for years and have adopted the sister but not josh. so she gets really spoiled and hes treated as this other kid theyre providing a home for. but talk about rejection! so sad.he is now 16 and really wishes he was adopted. knowing that if he keeps going on this way he will belong to no one when he's 18 scares him. and everytime he goes out to visit jesse and the family out on the farm he loves it and doenst want to go back to his home. so for the last few months the paperwork has started to try to get him to my family by the end of june. so exciting! i did voice my concerns to my parents though about whether or not they can handle parenting another teenager now that they are in their fifties. they would have 4 teenagers then. whew. but they really feel like they can do it so all the power to them! :)

k im so spent so im done for now.

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