so i went to the gym today and had my fitness assessment done by my personal trainer. and lets just say i am in way worst shape than i figured i was.. i have to improve my cardio immensely in the next couple months because as it is my heart is not that strong. stupid cardio. always hated it. and because of that, i am in this pickle now. i am more determined than ever to get to my goal weight. so i have another meeting with my personal trainer on saturday again. i also am going to join weight watchers again. it was healthy and it worked well. she asked me if i drank alot of water. i said yes. she asked me if i drank alot of coffee. yes. she asked if i always feel thirsty and/or wakeup everynight thirsty? yes again. and then she told me that the amount of water i drink is just enough to make up for how dehydrated the coffee makes me so really my body is dehydrated. shoot. not good. so today i decided to give up coffee.. it sucks already. my vanilla soy latte in the morning on the way to work has become a nasty habit and dependance. this morning however, i made myself green tea to go. it was good. ive always loved green tea. but not as yummy as my latte :( . the sacrifices a fat girl has to make .. sigh. haha kidding. im sure in a couple of weeks im going to have curbed my need for coffee.
i had a really bad dream again last night. i woke up frozen in place, terrified to move and chills running down my spine. it was my birthfather again. as always, i dont really recollect the whole thing.. all i remember is him coming after me. after i awoke, i could not get myself to sleep because every time i closed my eyes scenes from my dream would reappear. so i grabbed my ipod next to my bed and listened to adventures in oddyssey and sadly enough, it did not help putting me back to sleep. it was a really long night. i feel uneasy just remembering how it affected me last night. i am so sick of these dreams. part of me thinks i will continue having these dreams until that man dies. and even then i would need concrete evidence that he is no longer with us for me to believe it and start relaxing.
i hate wars. although ive never been personally affected by one, i still find it ridiculous. that grown men need to shoot eachother and risk thousands of innocent lives just to prove a point is ridiculous. why not sit at a table and come to some sort of agreement we can all live with? after all, we are no longer children for a reason. it moves me to tears everytime i hear of someone affected by war. wether it be themselves or someone they love, it sucks. the person that comes back never goes back to who they used to be before they left. its just not possible. and its truly sad. my heart aches when i think of what they have to go through. how tough they have to make themselves be. how they have to deal ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) for years on end. how they will forever have memories of really rotten things theyve seen and how they almost have to be dehumanized to be able to survive out there. rough. i admire the courageous women who are married or dating these men. to always be afraid of seeing two soldiers walk up to your door. to see your man come back torn and beaten down and possibly losing limbs or his mind. how do they do it? all i know is i do not want to have to ever encounter someone who is about to go serve. i just wouldnt be able to handle it. i would probably strap them down to a chair in my house and refused to let them go participate in such a thing. all i know is that i am so happy that barrack is in charge now. the fact that he has always been opposed to the war in iraq and that he is now in a position to stop it is amazingly exciting. good things to come from this man. im sure of it.