a.dawn. (stillwaiting21) wrote,

gangs and photographs

one thing that intrigues me is gangs. why you ask? im not too sure.. it just does. i guess what really made me start wondering about them is all the gang shootings and murders that are happening in vancouver lately. i always turn a deaf ear to the news because there is enough negative things in this world that i need to know about.. so why go searching for more? not only that but my wild imagination often gets the best of me, and to prevent myself of living in unnecessary fears, i choose to not tune in. but the gang shootings have been so consistent around this area lately, that i finally had to be exposed to it . and to tell you the truth, its not fear that got instilled in me but curiousness. a few days ago i grabbed the 24hr newspaper that individuals forcibly try to hand you as you enter the skytrain station every morning. i dont know why  i did. every single other morning i have just smiled and respectfully shook my head at the offer. but a few days ago i took it. and the first page i open to shows a big black and white photograph of a popular organized gang around this area. the whole train ride i just stared at these individuals and had so many questions going through my head. what is it that made each and every single person in that group want to join a gang? family they never had? free drugs and booze? the women? respect? loyalty? feeling of importance? thrill and action? or all of the above? or none? i know that gangs around here are mostly about the drug trade. there are two popular organized gangs and they are both affiliated with drugs. i guess the shootings are also a result of competition between the two to be top drug provider.. or something like that.               but then my boyfriend and i were watching g's to gents last night and my favorite character (blue) was mentioning how he used to be an LA gang member. seeing how an amazingly sweet,caring and true person could have gotten themselves in such a situation interested me. then i ended up watching the history channel today and a story on the hells angels came on. all of these different types of gangs but yet once again, to me, they all seem like they could be good people. are they? im sure they can be.. but if you consciously choose to be part of something that you know will get you in trouble and is illegal, how can you be a good perosn? i dont know. i just dont know what to think. but i know that i cannot get myself to believe they are terrible people. i believe that they may be in this group because they got themselves believing this is how they can provide for themselves or someone they love. am i far off? i dont know. but i would love to find out. i would love to find out what the dynamics are in these organized groups of people.

so my boyfriend and i are all moved into our new apartment. i cant believe we were able to find such an amazing place. of course the apartment is amazing. cute and homey. we are on the 10th floor and i believe its a 20 floor building. our porch looks over the skyline, sunsets, and mountains. we are also literally a two minute walk to the skytrain which is so nice. we can actually see it from our place as well. now what i love is that my family doctor is two buildings over. there is also a neighbourhood house a block down that are in need of volunteers for diferent programs the run for the community. i just need to sit down and figure out which one i would like to be involved in... there is also an amazing dollar store jsut a half a block down. i dont know why, but i love dollar stores. and this one definitely keeps me entertained. :) .. we are also only one stop away from our old place so our trips to work are only extended by 2 minutes. one skytrain stop to my gym and 2 stops to metrotown mall.. a bunch of little sushi, philipino, and othere asian restaurants all over and all in walking distance as well as a cute little coffee shop on the corner of my block that plays live music a few nights a week. wow. i love this place. love love love it.
my parents have told me a couple weeks ago how my older birth half sister zeina somehow got a hold of their phone number and called them. she is 26 year old, married to a librarian, has 3 children and lives in australia. my dad said she seems genuinely concerned about me and would love to have contact with me. i actually surprised myself when i told my parents i did not want them to give me her number. all my life i have been eager to have contact with anyone that has been in my life and wants to reenter it.. but afer the stint with my birthmom, i think i jsut have had enough. i do not want to chance trusting one more person and having it blow in my face. so maybe after some sessions in counselling i may be ready. but for now, no way hosey!

i know that it seems like every other girl my age is into photography and that because of the magic of photoshop, anyone can produce good photographs... but i cant help but want to be a good photographer.. ive always toyed with the idea but i just cant get myself to focus and/or be disciplined enough to work on being one. but everytime an amazing photograph comes my way i keep kicking myself that i am not out there trying to improve... o well we'll see what happens..

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