(no subject)

i really have to get something off my chest right now.. when i was twelve, my birthmom decided that to 'punish' me for 'talking back' to her about something she would  lock me in my room with nothing in it except for my bed. i have never really thought about that time since. when i have, all i would think about was empty room and white walls. but this morning, out of nowhere, i woke being really angry at her for having the right to tell me that i made her life hell in our last conversation. do you want to talk about ruining lives? you sniffed coked so much while you were pregnant with me that as a result i have a brain tumor that i have to deal with the rest of my life. and who locks a twelve year old child in a empty room for a month for punishment for something so small as having a snotty comment? i started thinking about that month and what she had made me endure and i had to really fight back the tears. she took everything out of my room. everything. including my fitted sheet. took all my furniture out and even the bedframe. everything out of the closet. literrally all there was left was a single mattress on the floor with a pillow and a blanket. she fed me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or spam sandwiches 3 times a day for that month. she used to check my backpack wehn i came back from school to make sure i wasnt trying to sneak something entertaining into my room. then she checked my bag in the morning to make sure i wasnt trying to sneak an uneaten dinner to a trashcan at school. what she didnt know is that the sandwiches made me so ill halfway through that i would eat the crust and find a way to sneak the sandwich in my clothes to school to discard of it there. so for the last half of the month i was barely eating anything. she used to make me ask for permission to go to the washroom. she timed my walk home from school to make sure i did not dawdle with friends because i didnt 'deserve' having friends. she even went out of her to buy me cheap shoes from a budget store and made me wear them to school everyday because she knew how emabarrased i would be ..she gave him that nasty smirk when she told me i had to wear them.. it was so embarrassing. not only did i have to deal with already being poor with nasty clothes, i then had to wear ugly shoes even if i had nice ones  at home. it was just cruel. i have no idea how i stayed strong through that whole situation. she was a cruel cruel person sometimes.

(no subject)

i have an appointement with a neurologist today and im so nervous. i cant even remember the last time i went to one so i dont really know what to expect. all my family doctor told me was that he was going to check me out and assess my brain behavior to see if everything is ok. im also due for an MRI anytime now but i guess out in vancouver here, theres a six month waiting list to get one. now the neurologist is able to speed up the process for one if he finds that i need one sooner... but if that s the case that i'll be even more nervous because it would mean there is something wrong with my tumor.. ok i need to stop thinking about it..

im watching this travel show on egypt and it looks so interesting. my boyfriend and i were talking about how it actually would be interesting to visit there. there seems to have so much history and culture. watching the show and how egypt is portrayed, reminds me of my time in lebanon. i remember being able to run around with my cousins at night there and our safety not being compromised. little shops and restaurants would stay open late and people would sit on the outdoor table and chairs just talking and haivng a good time.. kids running around barefoot, men in big groups then women in another group.. food all around all the time.. what a country. its like in some way little way everyone is friends.. or at least less rude than north americans.. i really would like to go back to lebanon and be able to see it through different eyes than last time .. i was only six years old a that time.  haha aww the little kids are so adorable in this show.. all brown with big brown eyes.. gorgeous. and theyre food looks amazing. i DO remember growing up with amazng food as well .. middle eastern food.. yum :)

on saturday my man and i went to watch two back to back movies at the theatre.. it was kind of fun because we havent been to a movie in a while now.. we saw the proposal and transformers and they were both amazing! seriously.. so good! transformers was incredible.

ive been wanting a tattoo for quite a while now.. i keep thinking i want arabic writing on my wrist.. i think the calligraphy is gorgeous.. and on the wrist seems dainty . i just have a hard time deciding what i would want.. i was thinking of getting 'sakar' in arabic. which is my old last name.. my birthname.. i had a really hard time when i got adopted because i had to change my last name and no matter how much i disliked my father, i couldnt help but be proud of having his last name.. and then i lost it.. so having sakar on my wrist in its original language would be neat.. but im not too sure.. i think i will just wait until something comes up in my life that is important enough that i know i want a tattoo to commemorate it..

ok time to make grocery list..


(no subject)

what a dreary day its been today. everything just seemed off. i went to work in a good mood and actually made it on time again. ive been in a good mood and determined at work lately because im actually kicking butt with my stats and that is awesome considering the incentives going on right now.. but my coworker who is also my friend that i sit by everyday seems to either be really sad or irritated lately so it kind of sucks because its not like before where we would just be super hyper and joking and catching up on eachothers personal lives and stuff so i dont really have anyone to talk to when i want to stay sane between my callers.. so i just focus on taking call after call to make the day go by faster..

so .. BIG news...

my birthfather and birthsister have somehow gotten a hold of my adopted family's phone number and have been calling and such for close to 8 months .. my adopted parents have been taking the time to communicate back with them as well because they kept saying that sooner or later i would want to to get involved with these people again.. but i just was not ready ya know? too many people i have trusted ruined things and i just felt too spent to put energy into getting myself out there again.. well a few days ago i received a letter from my birthfather that my parents had forwarded to me .. it was a sweet and short letter and attached to it was a photo of me in kindergarten and a recent picture of my only full birthsibling nadia .. shes 18 now.. heres what the letter said  (now remember that hes arabic and english is actually his third language):

amina... my very deand belond baby..

dont you ever think that an oriental father tends to be bad with his children ever. please take this idea out of your head. i count on your intelligence and fair logic in this matter. i have no other means. be open minded and ask yourself now. why, after all the circumstances that kept you away from me for so long.. yes,why i am so hurt and worried about you and dying to hug you and take care of you why? my only goal in this is  to give you the love you need and make sure you will be well for ever...

your dad.
mustafa sakar
may 27th,2009


so ya .. as soon as i finished reading the letter, for some reason i just burst into tears. here i was holding a letter from my actual birthfather. the man that was my daddy until i wasa 6 and then vanished. the man i loathed for so many reasons as a result of all of my mothers lies and made up and/or exaggerated stories. and the only reason im saying that i believe that she was a liar is because i then got up the courage to call my older birth half sister zeina who now lives in australia. it was such a good conversation. she is married to a librarian and has 3 young children. she seems to be really settled and has a good head on her shoulders.she is now 26. it was funny because once we got over the awkwardness of not having had any contact in a gazillion years, our conversation was such an easy one to have. she has a really open relaxed warm personality. my adopted parents even told me that they think our voices and conversational manners are alot alike, which i can kind of believe because she seems like the kind of person i would be really good friends with. we have the same sense of humour and everything its kinda creepy. ha.  but she answered so many of my questions and discussed my memories with me. i learned so much. i really want to write it all down here but im still so overwhelmed by it all and just cant get myself to digest that information just yet. but it was really good. but im not in any shape or form ready to talk to my father yet. part of me thinks i'll never be.

so i decided that not having friends sucks. i was fine with it at first but its been 8 months now and i just miss having a social life so bad! .. its really hard to make friends out in vancouver. people seem to be way more stuck up then back in alberta.. dont get me wrong, my boyfriend and i have another couple that were freinds with but they live in another town so we usually jsut see them on weekends. its always alot of un .. jsut last weekend we went for a huge long walk around this park then went back to their place for a little bbq. but i miss having this close group of friends where i can just call up whenever to go to a movie with or go to the beach or even just a cup of coffee for a couple of hours...so i applied to volunteer for an organization that helps battered women get back on their feet. i'll be working in the retail end of things. so theres 2 shops in vancouver that are second hand shops and everybody that works there is a volunteer. all the proceeds go to the organization. it helps pay for cousellors, social workers, food and anything that might help these women. we also provide vouchers for these actual women so that they can come 'shop' for new clothes and home stuff. the manager relayed to me that most women that decided to leave a violent relationship leave with only the clothes on their backs and no money and nowhere to go. and this organization seeks these women out and helps them start all over again. i met a few women already and they seem very sweet, and some, quite eccentric.. therefore i have no doubt in my mind i will really enjoy my experience there. to be able to be out there and make a little bit of a difference. and it will be nice to not constantly be sitting at home playing animal crossing ! ha.

so my boyfriend surprised me with tickets to a death cab for cutie concert in july. i am so stoked. i have never ever been to an actual concert and what better way to start than going to your favorite band? soooooo excited. so excited! so thats something to look forward too :)

so my parents are funny. they have decided to adopt one more child. eventhough they clearly stated that they wouldnt adopt anymore after cassandra, bryce and erika. they are going to be adopting one of my  other adopted brother(jesse)'s  little birth brother josh. he is a neat kid and ive met him a couple times over the years. right now josh is in a foster home with his and jesse's birthsister. this couple has had these kids for years and have adopted the sister but not josh. so she gets really spoiled and hes treated as this other kid theyre providing a home for. but talk about rejection! so sad.he is now 16 and really wishes he was adopted. knowing that if he keeps going on this way he will belong to no one when he's 18 scares him. and everytime he goes out to visit jesse and the family out on the farm he loves it and doenst want to go back to his home. so for the last few months the paperwork has started to try to get him to my family by the end of june. so exciting! i did voice my concerns to my parents though about whether or not they can handle parenting another teenager now that they are in their fifties. they would have 4 teenagers then. whew. but they really feel like they can do it so all the power to them! :)

k im so spent so im done for now.

(no subject)

so update on your weight loss plan. ive been hiting the gym 3 times a week for 2 hrs for the last couple weeks. i am also back on weight watchers. losing weight is definitely not easy. no sirrrreyy! everyday i feel like giving up and anyone that knows me knows that i dont stick things through when i get bored or if it gets hard. but i am so determined to do this finally once and for all! ive only lost 5 pounds so far and its disheartening considering all the hard work im doing for it.. but i just need to keep thinking that it will all pay off soon enough. so far ive been able to get up and go to the gym before work but next week my work schedule start earlier so i wil have to go after work and im not looking forward to that.. oh well..

my little sister is graduating from high school in the beginning in may and i cannot wait to go and see that (as well as my family and my farm.. i miss alberta so much) .. i cant believe shes already seventeen.. i remember when we adopted her, bryce , and erika.. it feels like just yesterday but i guess time flies by quickly.. i think cassandra was fourteen when we got her...

someone at work told me today that he is going into the nursing program soon and that got me thinking about how many people i know are doing that as well.. if so many people can do nursing.. why can i not see myself doing it? i wish i had the guts to do something like that but i just dont think i can .. but i admire everyone that gets involved in health care. they are amazing people. two of my close high school friends are now done pre-med as well.. and it just makes me feel so silly because ive been out of high school for almost four years now and i have not accomplished anything it seems like. i just want to be able to do makeup. i can definitely see myself as a runway/movie set makeup artist but here i am working at a call centre. theres nothing wrong with the job.. just not where my passion lies you know? and the company also is cutting down our hours now because the call volumes are lower i guess.. so now im trying to decide what to do.. i know that another cell phone company call centre is hiring right now for full time positions and im trying to decided if i should apply there.. i need full paycheques so that i can save up and reach my dreams of beauty school but i really dont want to quit the centre im at right now.. im finally starting to meet some really neat people as well as have made some pretty great friends and i dont want to lose that.. i think im just going to see how the next month goes with this job and then decide if i should be looking for employment elsewhere...
a person i know at work is american and really racist towards muslims.. it really upsets me.. i think he may be racist towards other cultures as well but ive definitely picked up the one against arabs.. he always calls them my people and how i feel about how my people treat women and all that.. i keep telling him that although i am half lebanese, i am not in that culture and do not really know theyre views on politics and the koran and all that.. i kind of sense that he sees me differently because i have been part of that culture but i was just a child at the time so i dont remember anything.. im not upset at him because im not embarrassed by my background but it does bug me that he is kind of racist.. not every middle eastern person in this world agrees with what happened on september 11 so just let it go already ya know? ahh welll...
so im watching the vancouver canucks first play off game of the season right now.. the score is 1-2 for vancouver against st-louis in 3rd period.. scarrryyy.. all i know is that they are going to take it all the way because of my man mats sundin :) ...! go 'nucks go!  i tell you .. watching a hockey game on a 50 inch hd screen is seriously almost as good as being at a real game .. ha. love this tv..

so update on the tv show g's to gents.. my favorite guy made it to the final two. he lost to mito but the cool thing is mr.bentley is still helping him out. he has arranged for blue to have housing for a year as well as money to get himself started.. isnt that awesome? i really admire what mr.bentley is doing with these men season after season.

im so tired so im going to call it a night. well after the game is over.. but that should be soon enough. so goodnight.

good things to come.

so i went to the gym today and had my fitness assessment done by my personal trainer. and lets just say i am in way worst shape than i figured i was.. i have to improve my cardio immensely in the next couple months because as it is my heart is not that strong. stupid cardio. always hated it. and because of that, i am in this pickle now. i am more determined than ever to get to my goal weight. so i have another meeting with my personal trainer on saturday again. i also am going to join weight watchers again. it was healthy and it worked well. she asked me if i drank alot of water. i said yes. she asked me if i drank alot of coffee. yes. she asked if i always feel thirsty and/or wakeup everynight thirsty? yes again. and then she told me that the amount of water i drink is just enough to make up for how dehydrated the coffee makes me so really my body is dehydrated. shoot. not good. so today i decided to give up coffee.. it sucks already. my vanilla soy latte in the morning on the way to work has become a nasty habit and dependance. this morning however, i made myself green tea to go. it was good. ive always loved green tea. but not as yummy as my latte :( . the sacrifices a fat girl has to make .. sigh. haha kidding. im sure in a couple of weeks im going to have curbed my need for coffee.

i had a really bad dream again last night. i woke up frozen in place, terrified to move and chills running down my spine. it was my birthfather again. as always, i dont really recollect the whole thing.. all i remember is him coming after me. after i awoke, i could not get myself to sleep because every time i closed my eyes scenes from my dream would reappear. so i grabbed my ipod next to my bed and listened to adventures in oddyssey and sadly enough, it did not help putting me back to sleep. it was a really long night. i feel uneasy just remembering how it affected me last night. i am so sick of these dreams. part of me thinks i will continue having these dreams until that man dies. and even then i would need concrete evidence that he is no longer with us for me to believe it and start relaxing.

i hate wars. although ive never been personally affected by one, i still find it ridiculous. that grown men need to shoot eachother and risk thousands of innocent lives just to prove a point is ridiculous. why not sit at a table and come to some sort of agreement we can all live with? after all, we are no longer children for a reason. it moves me to tears everytime i hear of someone affected  by war. wether it be themselves or someone they love, it sucks. the person that comes back never goes back to who they used to be before they left. its just not possible. and its truly sad. my heart aches when i think of what they have to go through. how tough they have to make themselves be. how they have to deal ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) for years on end. how they will forever have memories of really rotten things theyve seen and how they almost have to be dehumanized to be able to survive out there. rough. i admire the courageous women who are married or dating these men. to always be afraid of seeing two soldiers walk up to your door. to see your man come back torn and beaten down and possibly losing limbs or his mind. how do they do it? all i know is i do not want to have to ever encounter someone who is about to go serve. i just wouldnt be able to handle it. i would probably strap them down to a chair in my house and refused to let them go participate in such a thing. all i know is that i am so happy that barrack is in charge now. the fact that he has always been opposed to the war in iraq and that he is now in a position to stop it is amazingly exciting. good things to come from this man. im sure of it.

grr... tomorrow+7am+me +gym+1 hour=death.

me in a nutshell

1. i am 21, yet i am constantly told that i look like im 16 .. then im told that im lucky because when im 40 i will look like im 30.. i really hope they are right .. but right now i would love to look my age.
2. yes, i am truly a hockey fan. no i dont memorize stats and players, but yes i like the sport.. i would even find a way to play it if i only knew how to skate .. ha.
3. i love blueberries. bluebbery anything pretty much.
4. i wish i could just spend a few years packing around and travelling the world. europe, japan, thailand, mexico, bahamas, new york... disneyworld ... sooo many places !
5. i could live off of just having mtv for tv. seriously, its bad but i love reality tv.
6. i wish i could dance.. and compete on americas best dance crew ! eventhough im a canadian..
7. i get excited for christmas as soon as christmas is over. seriously. i still have my tree up and i listen to chrismtas music all year round.
8. i love love makeup. i really wish i could truly get a career out of working on movie sets..
9. i have only owned one gameboy and it was the really ghetto big grey ones. won it at a citywide art competition when i was like 9 or 10 i think. only one game was ever played with it and still being played with it: tetris..ha.
10. i am hugely interested in war history. not the facts and boring stuff .. but the stories, the pictures, the memoirs..
11. my first pet was a little kitty which i named zomby because he would always walk around aimlessly with his little nose in the air and his eyes closed.
12. the best summer i ever had was the summer i worked in banff
13. i have this really annoying habit of repeating the witty lines people say on movies right after they say it.. i cant help it. theyre funny therefore i need to replay it a couple times hence the repeating it.
14. i enjoy theatre productions more than going to a movie theatre.
15. i am a sucker for tv series. i go on so many marathons. new series = new downloading project. i think its perfectly legal now anyway.. shoot..hmm.. well it better be :s
16. i hate hate hate seafood. fish and chips and california rolls is as far as i go.
17. i didnt know how to type "home row" until my mom paid me to do mavis beacon my grade 10 summer.
18. i am half lebanese and half french canadian.. well european .. but same diff. so no im not spanish or italian ok? :)
19. considering my love for live music and music in general, ive never been to an actual concert yet.
20. i cannot stand the voice of seth rogen. i just cant.
21. i only learned to speak english when i was 13. before then i was a straight up frenchie :p
22. i love pickles and olives. i wish i could marry them. .. :s
23. my worst habit:chewing my nails. yes i know its gross. but its a bad habit.
24. i have a hockey crush on ryan kesler. (sorry hunny :p)
25. ive lately started like graphic novels. i am nerd. but seriously try reading one.
26. the food i eat is really dependent on its texture. some textures really throw me off and kick my gag reflex into gear.

the good old country life

i just finished watching the pixar movie cars with my hunny and to be honest it left me pretty pleased . ive purposely made sure i did not watch it because i was so sure that it was going to be lame... until now..  i figured i had to give it a try. and it was great. and to be honest my favorite things about it was the country music playing throughout the movie as well as lightning mcqueen's time at the hick in-the-boonies town.. the hospitality and feeling of country folk was very well portrayed. and to tell you the truth halfway through the movie i had to really stop myself into bursting into tears. and you ask why i wanted to cry? because this movie made me miss where i come from. no not montreal... but a hick little hamlet in the middle of nowhere,alberta. i miss the country folk, the town potlucks, the country church people, the pickup trucks, country music, the pride that small town people have in their town, the town hall, the highways that go on and on, the cows, the sunsets, the hodowns, the cowboy-type families, how everyone is willing to help their neighbour at any time, the selflessness, the gossip, and the list goes on...

its funny how you change. i hated living there when i was growing up. hated it. i was still so stuck in my city girl mentality and how i was 'better than all this' even when i moved out on my own to a city nearby, i had no desire to go back and visit my town. .so my family had to come into town to see me.. it finally took me moving to vancouver and growing up to realize how lucky i was to be surrounded by all that as well as really missing it. my boyfriend and i are planning on going there the first weekend in may for my little sisters graduation and i feel like im getting more homesick the closer we get to that date.. strange. im so incredibly excited to go. see my family. walk around my farm. go see my old town. my old high school. a few of the people i grew up with. a couple sunsets, the long highway to my house as well as our cattle. i miss those cows. im dead serious. they are cute. and you just develop a soft spot for them when you grow up spending so much time with them. ha.

i find it so interesing that im dating an animator. why? because i still remember watching the classic walt disney movies when i was kid and being so incredibly intrigued by animation and cartoons. the talent behind them. or just simply how they are made. how they go from nothing to a full out 2 hour cartoon. lots of drawing. and that in itself intrigued me alot. all of my growing up years i was always intrigued and remember asking my birthmom if she knew or what she thought about it. she jsut shrugged me off. NOW, all my questions are answerd and so much more information volunteered. its so neat. the people in animation studios are incredible as well as incredibly talented. i love it when my boyfriend works on his demo reel and so excited to see his talent being used. .. im glad im learning alot about all this because it makes me really be impressed with what im watching. have you ever watch a movie with the commentary on? because if you havent, you really should. .at least once.. its incredible how much research, thought and work and inside jokes go on for an animated movie to be created. its really really neat.

so i think i might be developing lactose intolerance. i didnt think it was something that developed over time but i researched it and yes it can. and my boyfriend told me that his older sister developed it when she was my age as well.. its weird. so here i went going from 2% with my birthmom to 1% with my adopted family to skim milk on my own and now... soy milk :p .. well i just had my first glass of it tonight and i just dont think its as good as a yummy refreshing real glass of milk. the taste is off and its smells funny.. so we'll see,, theres gotta be another option out there..


gangs and photographs

one thing that intrigues me is gangs. why you ask? im not too sure.. it just does. i guess what really made me start wondering about them is all the gang shootings and murders that are happening in vancouver lately. i always turn a deaf ear to the news because there is enough negative things in this world that i need to know about.. so why go searching for more? not only that but my wild imagination often gets the best of me, and to prevent myself of living in unnecessary fears, i choose to not tune in. but the gang shootings have been so consistent around this area lately, that i finally had to be exposed to it . and to tell you the truth, its not fear that got instilled in me but curiousness. a few days ago i grabbed the 24hr newspaper that individuals forcibly try to hand you as you enter the skytrain station every morning. i dont know why  i did. every single other morning i have just smiled and respectfully shook my head at the offer. but a few days ago i took it. and the first page i open to shows a big black and white photograph of a popular organized gang around this area. the whole train ride i just stared at these individuals and had so many questions going through my head. what is it that made each and every single person in that group want to join a gang? family they never had? free drugs and booze? the women? respect? loyalty? feeling of importance? thrill and action? or all of the above? or none? i know that gangs around here are mostly about the drug trade. there are two popular organized gangs and they are both affiliated with drugs. i guess the shootings are also a result of competition between the two to be top drug provider.. or something like that.               but then my boyfriend and i were watching g's to gents last night and my favorite character (blue) was mentioning how he used to be an LA gang member. seeing how an amazingly sweet,caring and true person could have gotten themselves in such a situation interested me. then i ended up watching the history channel today and a story on the hells angels came on. all of these different types of gangs but yet once again, to me, they all seem like they could be good people. are they? im sure they can be.. but if you consciously choose to be part of something that you know will get you in trouble and is illegal, how can you be a good perosn? i dont know. i just dont know what to think. but i know that i cannot get myself to believe they are terrible people. i believe that they may be in this group because they got themselves believing this is how they can provide for themselves or someone they love. am i far off? i dont know. but i would love to find out. i would love to find out what the dynamics are in these organized groups of people.

so my boyfriend and i are all moved into our new apartment. i cant believe we were able to find such an amazing place. of course the apartment is amazing. cute and homey. we are on the 10th floor and i believe its a 20 floor building. our porch looks over the skyline, sunsets, and mountains. we are also literally a two minute walk to the skytrain which is so nice. we can actually see it from our place as well. now what i love is that my family doctor is two buildings over. there is also a neighbourhood house a block down that are in need of volunteers for diferent programs the run for the community. i just need to sit down and figure out which one i would like to be involved in... there is also an amazing dollar store jsut a half a block down. i dont know why, but i love dollar stores. and this one definitely keeps me entertained. :) .. we are also only one stop away from our old place so our trips to work are only extended by 2 minutes. one skytrain stop to my gym and 2 stops to metrotown mall.. a bunch of little sushi, philipino, and othere asian restaurants all over and all in walking distance as well as a cute little coffee shop on the corner of my block that plays live music a few nights a week. wow. i love this place. love love love it.
my parents have told me a couple weeks ago how my older birth half sister zeina somehow got a hold of their phone number and called them. she is 26 year old, married to a librarian, has 3 children and lives in australia. my dad said she seems genuinely concerned about me and would love to have contact with me. i actually surprised myself when i told my parents i did not want them to give me her number. all my life i have been eager to have contact with anyone that has been in my life and wants to reenter it.. but afer the stint with my birthmom, i think i jsut have had enough. i do not want to chance trusting one more person and having it blow in my face. so maybe after some sessions in counselling i may be ready. but for now, no way hosey!

i know that it seems like every other girl my age is into photography and that because of the magic of photoshop, anyone can produce good photographs... but i cant help but want to be a good photographer.. ive always toyed with the idea but i just cant get myself to focus and/or be disciplined enough to work on being one. but everytime an amazing photograph comes my way i keep kicking myself that i am not out there trying to improve... o well we'll see what happens..


written in february 2009

its been a long time. again. i guess with me, no news is good news. but i figured it was about time that i update my blog. so here i am.

life's been good lately. nothing to complain about. only good stuff.

so let's talk about what im up to right now. . if you know me well enough you wil know that i am a huge sucker for mtv. i turn to it anytime i have a chance. right now i am watching g's to gents... ive been trying not to get pulled in to it since i have so many reality shows on the go... but yet, here i am watching the season 2 premiere .. and i picked out my favorite in the first ten minutes of the show.. im rooting for blue (and mito ) all the way . my little heart was so happy when i saw the looks on their faces when they got to put a blazer on. ha ok moving on..

im meeting some cool people at work. obviously i still know the people i went through training wish and i enjoy their company immensely, but ive been getting to know some people sitting by me and theyre super fun. crazy thing they all seemed to have been doing travelling and living in diff contries over their years.. i know jealousy is immature, but when i meet people that have seen the world, i cannot help but be a little envious.. one guy was telling me that i really need to go out and see and experience places and i dont need money, just a visa.. hes got a point.. why did i always think it had to be about money?  but now that i have my wonderful man in my life, i cant just pick up and go .. but i really hope that sometime him and i can go see places and experience different cultures.. i really would love to try many different countries in europe as well as japan and thailand.. i seriously believe that travelling and submersing yourself in different cultures is something that everyone needs to experience. i know i will not live my life to its fullest until i get to do that.



so im in class right now but finished my training exercises already so decided to entertain myself with updating my livejournal...  so right now i am in my 6th week of training at a call centre... boring and totally not what i want to do with my life but it pays the bills.. quite nicely actually.. lame thing is that every 2 weeks we would have a test that we  had to get 80 percent or higher on to keep going in the training.. they were very stressful but thankfully i survived and here i am now.. theres 13 ppl in my class and i quite enjoy their company.. we are all so different and have such different backgrounds but yet mesh so well...  so its really fun.. this next monday we wil be out on the floors taking live calls so that should be interesting.. i feel like i still know nothing... ah well...

two nights ago i had a really scary dream .. my nightmares always have the recurring theme of someone,usually a man, chasing me with a gun.. they are so frightening .. i always wake up frozen and terrified.. i hate it...

my boyfriend is leaving to go to his family's for his christmas vacation this sunday.. he will be gone for two weeks.. its going to weird be home alone and not seeing him at all for so long :( .. and sad part is that it wil be our 2 month on christmas day and i wont get to see him :( ...

having a boyfriend that you know is going to be a serious commitment is so new to me.. and hard.. neither of us seem to know the 'rules' of dating so we dont have any guidance in our relationship.. is it weird that we are living together and have been dating for a month and a half now and still havent had a fight? weve had moments of disappointments, but have been talked through so never escalated.. what about the whole 'you know the strength of your relationsip once youvve had your first real fight"? i dont want that time to come :( .. but does it mean that our relationship is not strong unitl it comes? oh well .. all i know is that i love him so whatever right?

this is my first christmas where i will not be with my family on the farm in alberta.. no huge christmas tree in front of the big living room window looking out onto trees full of snow... no garland everywhere with like 15 or so stockings hanging from the rail.. no chaos and loads of food and presents.. no bible reading from my dad on christmas morning :( ... jsut sitting alon in my basement suite probably wathcing seasons of gilmore girls.. its ok really.. just sucks at the same time you know? but just cant afford to go away this year...

my class was discussing the whole 2012 thing and to tell you the truth.. im terrified .. some people think it will be a new intellectual revolution kind of thing or perhaps jsut the end of the world as we know it.. however im jsut really scared that it will simply be the end of the world.. i dont want it to be... i want to grow old and live a long full life ... uncertainty terrifies me and the whole 2012 thing is so stressful to me because there is just no way to predict what exactly will be the outcome of it ..

my birthmom and i had contact a few weeks ago.. the first contact ive had with her since i was moved into foster care when i was 13... it was over the phone. i was able to talk to my little brother mathieu who is now 11 and my little sister candace who is now 8.. my birthmom and i talked for a couple hours and it was so amazing to be able to connect with her.. i was so excited as to how having her in my life would change things .. obviously, once again i set myself up for disappointment because the nxt day she called me and proceded to tell me that it was all my fault that she went through a huge depression in the last few years. she told me that waht was quoted from me on the court order is all lies and that i fabricated the whole thing because i hated her. she told me that she never abused me and wasa great mother and that i was just a really terrible ungrateful child... it was hard to hear all this and i did not have energy to fight back... i jsut told her waht i knew, asked her to please not call me a liar and told her i wasnt ready for this and that was the end of that.. havent talked to her since.. i spent these last 8 years trying to get over my past and move forward .. im slowly developing confidence in myself and finally stopped blaming myself for al of my mothers wrongdoings... i do not need her to throw it all back in my face and make me believe her lies .. i refuse to ler beat me down and unfortunately at this time it means not having contact with her.. ive realized by having those conversations with her that she is still the same person and realized that its probably for the best taht i dont have her in my life...

my boyfriend and i went to church this sunday... this couple that he is friends with recommended it to us.. it was the first time that we attended a service together and there was something so great about going to chruch with your boyfriend.. having him believe and respect the same things you do ... we both loved the church and its relatively close to where we live so i look forward to us getting involved with it more over time...

so my day is dragging on forever today... i probably should quit now though so i will say bye for now...